30/5/2015 sunny+rainstorms 

Today I went to a gelato shop to get free coffee from a friend of mine who works there. He made me soy flat white and gave me an awsome brownie even though I didn’t ask for it. But i am so sick of chocolate after all the sweets I had these days and after making+ tasting hazelnut chocolate spread, even the sight of chocolate makes me feel like puke…so I didn’t enjoy the brownie and the flat white confirmed me that black coffee is my only choice in HK. Hmm…I really should stop eating too much sugary stuff, they really make me feel sick.

I start to doubt if I will ever get into a serious long term relationship. I may end up like Joey in Friends, which is quite sad. I feel I am so damaged that even if one day someone shows up and willing to give me what I deserve, I don’t even know how to give him a proper response. Maybe it is because that I am so used to the big hole in my soul that having it filled doesn’t seem that necessary anymore.

No nightmares tonight please. It is really not pleasant, especially when living alone, which itself is unpleasant enough. 

Heres a picture of the hazelnut chocolate spread I made, vegan, sweet and low 🙂 

Cloudy Sunny Saturday

Yesterday I skipped the afternoon 3-hr-long useless lecture and went to a travel agent with my mom to plan our trip to other cities in Australia. Booked hotels and flights but not yet the tours.

I know it is a bad thing to say but I still have to say that I have a fucked up family. They managed to turn me down every time I get excited and prepared for anything that I am looking forward to.  A boring family can always let you down….The more frustrating part is, I cannot do anything about it.

My aunt noticed that I am never a happy child since I was very young. I grow up in a fucked up family, living with endless lies and fights. My bustard dad, my naive mom who has always been trying to save money because she thinks it has been hard for my dad to support the whole family (even though we have enough money to enjoy our lives). Poor her, she doesn’t know that her beloved husband has been cheating on her for 20 years, spending the money she had saved on another woman and her son (with the bitch’s ex-husband). Yes, my parents had been fighting because my mom suspected my dad is having an affair but she doesn’t have any concrete evidence, so my dad managed to let my mom believe in his lies. I always suspect my dad, but of course deeply in my heart I wanted to trust him, until I found some evidence this summer, this fucking disgusting jackass, he’s gonna be burnt up in hell.

And I guess this is why I don’t believe in love.

I am surprised that I managed to grow up and always being a good girl, didn’t harm myself, didn’t attempt suicide, didn’t take drugs and even managed to get into a top medical school. hahaha. That must be because gods are looking after me. And I believe that my life will get better, I will find someone that I trust, and live a happy ever after life. Like the fairy tales, all the sad kids end up happy right? I will be one of them, will I? I hope before that day comes, I won’t gone crazy lol. This is too much, I want to run away, far away to a place that no one knows me and start a new life. Well, but I cannot, don’t ask me why, I have tons of excuses but those are just excuses, I guess it’s because I am not brave enough.