So many things have happened during the 8 months that I disappeared from my blog. To start off, I got married after 3 months of dating, yea 3 months only, crazy. Then nearly broke up with my husband many times over some trivial issues and one big problem. I said nearly broke up instead of nearly got divorced because first, I stopped him from escaping small issues by leaving each other (childish much); second, the law here states that married couple cannot get divorced unless they are married for at least one year.
The big problem was, he cheated, he went to visit prostitutes (he was a regular when he was single). One day he confessed to me, and he said we should get a divorce; but a few minutes later he hugged me tight from my back when i was crying and he said please don’t leave. He said he only realised how much he loved me when he felt that I was about to leave him for real. I don’t know if we should trust guys who say things like this after they have done something wrong and stupid. What I know is I am different, I am not as lost as he was, I know what I want. I want to settle with the man I love. I am so tired. I look tough from the outside but in fact I am fragile and brittle inside.It is just a gut feeling that he really knows he was wrong and I should give him a second chance.
I am relatively a quiet person. I behave differently in front of him. I didn’t give much comments and okay with whatever his choice was on small things like what food to eat etc; didn’t tell him how do I think about his ideas, didn’t show particular expression of understanding when i actually understood what he was talking about; not giving harsh comments when he says something; trying to compromise which made me sound like i was lying. All these made him think I have no stance and cannot understand him. The side effect of being too nice to someone, I will just say whatever I want to say from now on. I was just wanted to be nice because I cannot afford to lost him.
Both parents still don’t know that we are married. He is always pessimistic about our relationship, keeps on saying I will break up with him one day, gets jealous whenever I message a male friend (for which I can understand). I don’t know what to comment, thousands of different feelings rush to me when he says we can’t last long and the reason he thinks would be me wanting to breakup with him whilst the one suggested break up all the time was him. just like he kept saying I will cheat on him and turned out the one cheated was him. I feel he just imposed his own feelings on me, saying I would do this I would be like that, but actually all those were what he thought he would do, he just didn’t want to admit it. I just simply don’t want to talk about all this mixed feelings here.
Uni about to get started, 5th year medical school, passed my last exam, hope everything goes well or not too bad in the coming academic year.
Guess I found my only exception but its so……..that i don’t know how to deal it. I thought finding him is enough, knowing he’s there is enough and I would never ask for more, in case I hurt him, my deep fear of hurting the person I love. But, no, I don’t know if the word love can define this. Is it ‘imprint’? We can’t even say our relationship is complicated because neither of us knows what is it. I just know this is the first time that just sitting beside a person, or even just thinking about him makes me feel like crying, happy tears, the feeling that I finally found something that I lost.
Today I went to a gelato shop to get free coffee from a friend of mine who works there. He made me soy flat white and gave me an awsome brownie even though I didn’t ask for it. But i am so sick of chocolate after all the sweets I had these days and after making+ tasting hazelnut chocolate spread, even the sight of chocolate makes me feel like puke…so I didn’t enjoy the brownie and the flat white confirmed me that black coffee is my only choice in HK. Hmm…I really should stop eating too much sugary stuff, they really make me feel sick.
I start to doubt if I will ever get into a serious long term relationship. I may end up like Joey in Friends, which is quite sad. I feel I am so damaged that even if one day someone shows up and willing to give me what I deserve, I don’t even know how to give him a proper response. Maybe it is because that I am so used to the big hole in my soul that having it filled doesn’t seem that necessary anymore.
No nightmares tonight please. It is really not pleasant, especially when living alone, which itself is unpleasant enough.
Heres a picture of the hazelnut chocolate spread I made, vegan, sweet and low 🙂
It’s been raining these days, I like the weather, perfect for staying in and just lay back and chill with a cup of hot drink.
Parents came back this afternoon, cooked them lunch. Things have changed, in a good way. Dad got anxiety and minor depression since my grandma got sick but she is all good now. You may feel it’s weird that I said this is a good thing if you don’t know my life well. Thanks to the torturous days my grandma made my dad suffer through when she was sick, which changed my dad. He finally realised he did stupid stuffs before, which ruined my mom’s, my brother’s and my life. I don’t know if this change is partially due to my dad’s andropause, I hope he won’t change back to who he were after he sees my doctor and gets better.
The feeling I have now is complicated. It is not merely due to my dad, it’s about everything that is with me now. I am in clinical years and started to doubt if I can be a good doctor, I hope I can. I will just try the best I can and see how it goes.
About relationships, ya still single haha, I don’t know since when I stopped giving a damn about the guys around me. I still find it hard to believe in love because all the stuffs I have been through. Sometimes I feel a bit scared, you know, as W. Somerset Maugham said, the great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love. So, I would like to believe it is just that I haven’t met the one for me.
Going to Maldives again at the end of April, booked a package but not confirmed by the agent yet, hopefully things go well. Need some quality time with nature and myself before I start my research project.
It’s late now and still raining, perfect for a good night sleep 🙂
Boxing day without shopping…was boring. Last Christmas I was in Sydney, it was raining, this year Christmas day was raining in HK as well. Went to a food expo on Christmas day , unfortunately the food expo is getting worse and worse every year, I didn’t know what I ate but felt so full, filled with junk food and gained 1.5 kilo because all the binge eating haha. Need to shake that holiday weight off before uni starts.
At Christmas Eve, I chatted with a friend who already started his Christmas day in New Zealand. We were talking about Masterchef and Christmas and somehow we ended up talking about science and religion. I have been confused about questions like where we came from, what is the purpose of life for a long time since I was in senior year of primary school (yes I did a lot of thinking when I was a kid). These questions are so hard for me to figure out so that in order to stop myself becoming crazy, I persuaded myself to stop thinking about all these by presuming that human can never understand all these because our minds are constrained by time and space. For example we cannot comprehend the concept of ‘nothingness’ (at least I cannot image what it would be like if there is absolute NOTHING). Another example is that I use to think about where is the edge of the universe because everything has an edge, an end; however if we find the end of the universe, then what is outside the universe? And where is the end of that space outside the universe? The question will go on and on and on and it’s like a loop and I finally realised that the question itself is a contradiction. My friend is a Christian, he told me God created everything. I did not become a monotheist (I am a Buddhist) because I find such idea confusing, if god created everything, where did god come from? If he created the universe, then what the universe looked like before god came? I mean, if you say there was nothing before that, it just doesn’t make sense, maybe this is because the fact that our way of thinking was born to be constrained by time and space, we cannot image and understand what it would be if there is no time and no space.
Same thing for evolution, big band theory, so there was nothing before big bang? What is ‘nothing’? There’s got to be something right?
As confused as always, I think I’d better end this post and go jogging soon haha.
Merry late Christmas! Hope you all enjoyed your holiday! Just cherish our life despite the fact that most of us don’t even know the answers to the most fundamental questions like who we are and where we came from. We cannot find solid evidence for these and we argue, honestly it is not a good idea to argue too much about these, I would respect different ideas from people, religious or atheist, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that we are here, so cherish before perish. Cheers!
Holding lecture notes and not really studying as usual in this Sunday afternoon. As I looking at the window and staring into space, once again I feel the power of time. It is so cruel yet gentle, it heals every wound and washes away everything without a single tread of evidence of their existence no matter how significant they were. I have been hurt and thought I would live under its shadow for the rest of my life. But slowly the dark shadow starts to fade, I just don’t care any more, I can’t even believe it, yes, that is true, I don’t care any more. Life is too short to live in the past. What is done cannot be undone, what is seen cannot be unseen. If we really think about life, there is really nothing important. After all, we are just tiny little things that cannot even be seen in the universe. We are all ashes. So why not just let time help us to ignore the things that upset us and keep the big smile on our faces?
Face the sun, embrace the rain, laugh when the thunder strikes, live our lives to the best.
Got one of the lower wisdom teeth extracted yesterday, the surgery went well and I feel ok now except that I cannot eat much solid food. Will get the other one extracted next week 🙂 hope things will go well as well.
Didn’t study much yesterday because I spent the whole afternoon at my dentist’s clinic. I got really depressed after I tried a few questions from the self- assessment test of the head and neck block. Everything looks so familiar but it is just so hard to recall the details of the anatomy. I am feeling blue now. Just started revising haematology, what can I do, just try study as hard as other people. I am too slacked, my lifestyle doesn’t suit medical life. But I chose this, so I have to do this, and I think I believe I can.
Wish me luck.