So many things have happened during the 8 months that I disappeared from my blog. To start off, I got married after 3 months of dating, yea 3 months only, crazy. Then nearly broke up with my husband many times over some trivial issues and one big problem. I said nearly broke up instead of nearly got divorced because first, I stopped him from escaping small issues by leaving each other (childish much); second, the law here states that married couple cannot get divorced unless they are married for at least one year.
The big problem was, he cheated, he went to visit prostitutes (he was a regular when he was single). One day he confessed to me, and he said we should get a divorce; but a few minutes later he hugged me tight from my back when i was crying and he said please don’t leave. He said he only realised how much he loved me when he felt that I was about to leave him for real. I don’t know if we should trust guys who say things like this after they have done something wrong and stupid. What I know is I am different, I am not as lost as he was, I know what I want. I want to settle with the man I love. I am so tired. I look tough from the outside but in fact I am fragile and brittle inside.It is just a gut feeling that he really knows he was wrong and I should give him a second chance.
I am relatively a quiet person. I behave differently in front of him. I didn’t give much comments and okay with whatever his choice was on small things like what food to eat etc; didn’t tell him how do I think about his ideas, didn’t show particular expression of understanding when i actually understood what he was talking about; not giving harsh comments when he says something; trying to compromise which made me sound like i was lying. All these made him think I have no stance and cannot understand him. The side effect of being too nice to someone, I will just say whatever I want to say from now on. I was just wanted to be nice because I cannot afford to lost him.
Both parents still don’t know that we are married. He is always pessimistic about our relationship, keeps on saying I will break up with him one day, gets jealous whenever I message a male friend (for which I can understand). I don’t know what to comment, thousands of different feelings rush to me when he says we can’t last long and the reason he thinks would be me wanting to breakup with him whilst the one suggested break up all the time was him. just like he kept saying I will cheat on him and turned out the one cheated was him. I feel he just imposed his own feelings on me, saying I would do this I would be like that, but actually all those were what he thought he would do, he just didn’t want to admit it. I just simply don’t want to talk about all this mixed feelings here.
Uni about to get started, 5th year medical school, passed my last exam, hope everything goes well or not too bad in the coming academic year.